I despise my anger. No, I despise my lack of self control. When I get angry I let myself go and fly out off the handle. I hate who I become when I lose my temper. Maybe that’s who I really am inside and not someone or something it become. I let loose on someone I love and push them away. I can’t control it. I can’t control myself. I have so many things to left go but I’m not comfortable to vent to someone who cares about me because I’ve lived most of my life feeling like everyone I loved left me. That’s when I began to push people away. I hate that about myself. I wish I opened my self up more so I can actually have friends. Maybe then I wouldn’t be so angry all the time and spend copious amounts of energy to mask my true feelings with a stupid smile and “feel-good” vibe. I’m sorry to those I hurt. I didn’t mean to inflict my hurt to anyone else. But at the time it makes me feel better. I must learn a healthier way to express myself and become a better sister, daughter, and friend. I don’t want to make excuses anymore and blame it on my past the people that hurt me but I can’t glaze over the fact that there are particulate members in my immediate family that morphed the way I think about and behave in relationships. And frankly I do more harm to myself and others than good. I don’t like who I am right now.